Hear This

I've met a lot of loneliness these past 3 months.

And I've lost track of motivation in the process.

(I'm sure he's around here somewhere)

Faces blurred while hearts sharpened.

Cutting off want and all the extra hoaxes planted there before I knew the difference between

real hands and magician hands.

But hoaxes become myths which become history which make bricks which builds a home for me to hide in.
It's all crap but you learn a lot from waving wands and face cards.

You learn to see through them.

This fall I met 6 people, 2 of which I actually became friends with, read nothing, discovered what it really means to miss someone, mastered sleeping in until you absolutely have to get up, and learned how dark the night really is. I also cured sloppiness, mastered showering in 7 minutes flat, added another camera to my unhealthy collection, dyed my hair, survived my English teacher, went on 0 dates, unless you count the one I had no idea was a date. Sent 11 nostalgic emails, received 7 nostalgic replies, survived on microwaved quesadillas, heard too many tear-filled voices, learned 1 song on the guitar, 2 on the uke, locked my jaw more than 10 times, and locked keys in my car twice. Wandered the windy streets of San Francisco, gave 6 hugs, received 5 real hugs, and lost my phone about 45 times.

I've listened to music alone in my car too many times to count and I'm pretty sure I've received more than 50 strange looks on campus, I've still never seen The Martian but I'm almost positive I can relate. Hung up 33 polaroids, made 4 new playlists, none of which are happy, wrote 9 letters, stayed inside my dorm for the longest period of 3 days, until the food ran out. I've never been kissed in the snow or in the rain, and I don't really remember what it's like.

*deep breath*

I guess all I'm saying is I've done plenty, and missed out on plenty.

But words mean so much more at night than they do during the day.

And I keep waiting for yours but nothing's coming.

Maybe it's due to all the holidays or maybe I'm not getting through to you because of all the clouds.

I want you to know I've changed since we last spoke.

I wish I could tell you for the better or for the worst but I can't. It was just a change.

"It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a still thing. A dead thing. Immobile and bodiless, making no movement and feeling nothing. It means I’m not going anywhere. It means I’m rigid in my chair, sitting stiff behind hours’ worth of desks, spending my moments in places that won’t put dollars in my pockets and art on my walls."

I wish I could tell you I'm the person you'd thought I'd turn out to be,

but all I've done is slept, cried, and searched for gold.

And I've found some, I really have.

There's this girl I know who has listened to everyone's problems and welcomes more, and a girl who can't let things go which is more of a blessing than a curse, because she hasn't let me go yet even though she has all the right to. Another that has put up with so much, I don't know anyone stronger, and a guy who doesn't even know he gives the best hugs when they are needed most.

I've found people who feel the most and others that haven't tried yet.

And this winter? You asked me.

I'm planning to get lost, I'll blame it on my runny nose and blue hands.

I'll cry some more because it's more acceptable in winter.

I'll be sitting in front of the fire in the middle of the night, wondering why something so beautiful has to be painful. Why I can't turn to ash like the rest of them.

And you'll finally say something to me.

You'll tell me why I should get up in the morning, why I don't surrender my heart anymore, why I don't feel like I used to.

And before the sun kisses my forehead you'll tell me why I should keep trying.