Give me a second

Give me a second, I just need to ramble all this out of my system.
Lately I have been so sad and gloomy all the time it's giving me back pains. Like all the pain I am feeling has been craving somewhere to seep out of and with my luck it's nestled right at the bottom of my back. I keep shoving myself farther and farther into this sad, depressing well. Where I keep thinking someone will come along and throw a shiny penny in and instead of finding their wish, they find me clawing the walls. I don't know why I'm stuck. I blame it on college, on moving two hours away from home, and on every little bad thing that has happened to me since I waved sayonara to my courage 4 months ago. And for some reason all my poetry keeps coming out bleeeh and dark and the kind of writing no one likes to read unless they feel the same way which would be a million to 1.
It makes me want to throw my computer out the window.

The thing is, I am happy. Sure I've had some pretty crappy days lately but also some really happy moments. I have friends that really care about me and actually listen when I share something real. I have mountains of polaroids to prove there are happy days. I'm just tired. ALL THE TIME.
Tired of feeling like this, of comparing myself to my roommate and letting envy hammer it's way into my feelings for her. I'm tired of being in college and working hard to impress an educator who doesn't even like me. Yes I know it's been 4 months and plenty of people have been here way longer than I have and are trekking on just fine. Kudos to them. I suck at college.

I keep thinking it's everything else except me, I couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong. After all I'm the one trying my best. But I'm not. It is me. I am my own problem as cheesy as that sounds. And I don't really know what I'm going to do to fix myself. There's so much to fix and I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I've been blessed and cursed to feel so much all the time, to have a heavy heart.

I know I've written a lot about trying and pushing forward and always ending my writing in ways that mean I can keep going. And I think I keep doing that because I need to remind myself I can keep going or else I'll sink lower into an ocean of too many things. The world can tell you that you are doing so well, that you have been dealing with so much and that you are your own soldier. But I need to believe in it for myself, I need to face the wars head on and come out alive in the end.

I guess all this rambling was to tell myself I can be happy and still feel this emptiness but not let it affect the way I am with everyone else.

So please forgive me for the darkness and for the gloomy writing.
This is how I work myself out.
This is where I get through this.